Lubrication and Junior Mints

In addition to being strange and making up fake office Holiday party stories, I am also normal and enjoy normal American pass-times such as football and eating fried things.  Also, telling people awkward stories that are actually true.

I am an awkward woman socially.  My social skills are actually OK, once we get past the one awkward situation that happens, ALWAYS, when I am with people I just met or people that I don’t know (in the store, for instance.)  These awkward happenings are usually in some way terrifying or detrimental to those around me, and they pretty much destroy any kind of good first impression vibe they’re getting from me.  If we meet and you have unusual humor or you’re just as awkward as I am, we may become friends.  If not, you’re just going to think I am a fucking idiot.  Naturally, most people I know think I am a fucking idiot.

So the other day I’m at Wal-Mart buying personal lubrication.  Buying KY jelly isn’t that big of a deal, right?  I mean, we’re all adults here.  I have an active sex life with my boyfriend, I may need help removing a ring from a swollen finger, whatever.  But because I am paranoid and awkward, I truly believed that anyone who saw me in Wal-Mart purchasing the lube automatically assumed I was fixin’ to go home to take it up the tail pipe.  Which maybe I was, does it really matter?  YES IT DOES BECAUSE I AM A PRUDE.  So to take the edge off of me thinking that everyone thought I was some kind of nympho butthole lover, I decided that I needed to purchase something else in addition to the lube.  In retrospect, I now realize that buying three boxes of candy, two tubes of chapstick and a bottle of lube was probably slightly more awkward than just the lubrication itself, but whats done is done.

So I am in check out.  All of the self check out lanes are conveniently not working, forcing me to basically tell the cashier lady with rotten teeth that I love getting railed in the brown eye.  While moisturizing my lips and eating junior mints.  So it is just about my turn for the keeper of the purchases to judge my shopping decisions when a sweet, very old, couple comes in line behind me placing their bag of red potatoes closely behind my items.  At this point I am sweating bullets.  These poor old people are probably already so disappointed in the way society has changed since they were my age, and now they have to witness a young 23 year old purchase an product that makes demoralizing her asshole easy and smooth.

The cashier lady places a hand on the bag of red potatoes and says, “Are these yours, too?”

I am thinking: Alright, woman.  I know the candy and lube and the two tubes of chapstick is a weird combo, but potatoes, too?  Fucking red potatoes?

As I type this, I realize that I was the only one at this point in the scenario feeling the perpetual burn of awkwardness, but at the time I was under the impression that all parties involved were completely mortified for my sake.  So out of complete and utter awkward foggyness, loud and proud I blurt out “NOPE!  JUST THE CANDY AND LUBE!!!” followed by a 30 second long string of very uncomfortable chuckles.  It was then that my awkward feeling spilled over to the cashier lady and the old couple behind me who just wanted to buy some god damn red potatoes.  The looks on their faces were a mixture of pity and horror.  I felt like vomiting.  I was thisclose to explaining to the patrons of Wal-Mart that the lube was not really for what they think it’s for, and I am just buying it because hey, you never know when you’ll need KY jelly.  And junior mints.  But I didn’t.  I beelined to the door where the polite old man thanks me for shopping at Wal-Mart and all I can think is “OH, THAT’S JUST FABULOUS.  This guy knows I like anal sex too!”

And now, here I am.  Shamefully sitting at my desk eating junior mints.


7 Comments on “Lubrication and Junior Mints”

  1. Leauxra says:

    Well… at least you stayed away from the produce. Junior mints, fine. Some carrots, or for the love of Pete, a cucumber, would have been REALLY awkward.

    And I totally feel your pain. I once ran into an old high school teacher at the local grocery store. The only thing in my hand was a box of condoms, and she kept glancing down at them while we talked about my Junior English class all those years ago.

    • When I was 18 and pregnant, I ran into my HS spanish teacher. And I wasn’t, you know, barely showing, I was a month away from giving birth. And she literally asked what I had been up to. Obviously baby making. OBVIOUSLY.

  2. red says:

    First of all, you should not make me laugh that hard at work! (yeah, I shouldn’t be reading this at work, but whatever, I’m short-timing it.)

    Second, I’m still that awkward about tampons – freakin’ tampons! Who cares about that? We all use them, and a lot of men have to do the shopping of them! But I only ever buy them if I have a mountain of groceries to hide them in. I don’t know why.

    btw, there is no shame in Junior Mints. They are, after all, the humblest candy out there.

    • I am the same way with tampons. Like you, I only try to buy them when I have many other things to purchase. I can’t even buy underwear without maving a mini mental break down. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? Id take a picture of my underwear to show you how long I go between purchasing them, but that would be awkward.

  3. cheekymuffy says:

    My husband has the same problem when buying a giant thing of toilet paper from Costco. He assumes that everyone is thinking that he’s going home to take a really big shit or that he has a lot of shitting to do.

  4. Selma says:

    You are really funny. I see that you’ve just started this blog and I wish you well with it. I really like the bit you wrote about the people buying the potatoes and how they were probably already disappointed with society and if they saw you buying KY Jelly it would be the icing on the cake. I cracked up at that bit. Looking forward to reading more. 😀

  5. This is so very comically written. I found you through Selma. You are a hilarious story-teller.

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